Why do I feel angry for no reason? And what it might be trying to tell you.

Rhian Seymour

Sep 6

6 min read

Woman sitting quietly with a thoughtful expression. Counselling for hidden anger and emotions in Marlow

Do you find there's strange simmering of something underneath your day? Something like a low-level irritation that you can't quite put your finger on? It might be in the way you felt like you had to bite your tongue in a meeting, or a last minute request that came in from work. Maybe the way you needed to take a breath before you could respond to something that usually, wouldn't have bothered you that much. A conversation you've been turning over from the week, long after everyone else has seemed to move on. And you find yourself asking, 'why do I feel angry for no reason'.

There's no clear reason for it, nothing big or dramatic seems to have happened. And yet, the feeling is there without any seeming explanation. Maybe you tell yourself you're not angry? Just tired, stretched or overwhelmed. But I'm wondering, what if the feeling is anger, and that one ever gave you permission to use this name for it?

What this might actually look like

Anger doesn't always arrive in ways we expect it to. It's not always loud or obvious, or even something that you can directly pin-point. Sometimes it can look like just an irritability or nagging feeling that lives underneath an ordinary day. Snapping at someone you love and not quite knowing where it came from. It can be a resentment that sits in the background of relationships, a pulling away from people or over-apologising for something you're not sure you even did wrong. It can also look like you're on high alert, waiting for the next thing. A tension you can't quite account for, whether its in your jaw, shoulders, chest that doesn't seem to go away with rest.

The point here is, that none of this looks like anger from the outside and often, it doesn't feel like anger internally either. And if you've spent years telling yourself you're not an angry person, it might not even be a possibility to consider that anger is in the equation of how you're feeling.

Why you might not recognise it as anger

I think many of us can receive messages throughout our life (not always in words) that anger isn't quite acceptable. And it's something I see often in my work, especially with women. If you were labelled as the 'good girl' growing up, or someone who's patient, nice, accommodating, always emotionally 'steady'. Someone who manages, or doesn't lose their temper or makes anything uncomfortable with their frustration, it can be understandable that anger therefore, hides or re-roots itself.

Over time, that feeling can come out in different ways. And that might not be felt as anger necessarily, because anger doesn't feel safe or appropriate for who you should be or want to be. Instead, it can then show in how you experience anxiety, or maybe exhaustion, a flatness or a resentment...Then a guilt for feeling resentful. And because it's not felt or addressed as anger, it can then leak out sideways. In the car, picking up the kids or coming back from work, maybe at snapping at someone you love or in the wrong moment.

The British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP), published a piece in July this year, exploring why therapists see understanding women's anger as a first step towards positive change. What I find the most significant about that (and what I hear in the work I do with clients), is that the first real challenge often isn't about expressing anger, but recognising that what is being carried, is anger in the first place.

Where anger can come from

When we look at it closely, anger without a reason usually has a reason. It might just be that the reason has been building silently in the background for some time. Maybe you've been saying yes when you wanted to say no, absorbing everyone else's feelings, needs and expectations, whilst your own have stayed somewhere at the bottom of the pile, out of reach. Perhaps you've been the capable one, the reliable one or the one who always holds everything together for everyone else, and you've been doing it on energy that's running low for longer than you want to think about.

Resentment might have built slowly in accumulation of small moments. A request that came without acknowledging what you've already given, an assumption that you'd handle something, a need that arrived without anyone asking how you were first. And because there might be a perception that you shouldn't feel resentful (if in someway it feels ungrateful or selfish) it doesn't get named. It just sits there, so when something smaller tips over, it can feel disproportionate, because it might not be about that specific thing.

What anger can be trying to tell you

It might be worth sitting with the question, is anger the problem, or is it information?

At its core, anger can be a signal that something matters. Maybe that something has been crossed, a need isn't being met or something doesn't feel right for you. It points to somewhere and if we've spent years not being able to hear it or not being allowed to act on what it's pointing towards, it starts to come out in ways that can feel confusing or something to punish ourselves for, or shame ourselves with.

But underneath the confusion and shame, there's usually something there. Something you need, something you've been giving and not getting support with yourself. Something that's not really yours to carry, but you've not felt you could put it down.

I find the work (and it is work) in all of this, is to begin getting curious about the feeling rather than pushing it away or ignoring it. Not to unleash it, or make it everyone else's fault, but to ask, 'what is this actually about for me?'...What is it pointing towards, or what have I being doing that's crossed a boundary or line for me?

What begins to change

I do want to be honest here, because I don't think that change has to be big or seen in huge leaps for it to be change. What I think begins to change (once curiosity about anger and what is being felt arises), is the relationship with the feeling.

When anger is acknowledged and seen without judgement in yourself, it can lose some of it's 'leaking' ability if you like. It doesn't have to come out sideways as irritability or resentment, or that confusing reaction that you beat yourself up over. This is because it's been heard and seen. Gradually, it can become possible to respond to what it's actually about, rather than managing the symptoms of something that wasn't given a name.

What changes isn't that you never feel angry, frustrated or resentful again. What changes, is that you can start to hear what those feelings are pointing towards or telling you. This begins to lead somewhere towards what you actually need and what you might feel allowed to then let go of within yourself. It can offer permission to be allowed to know what you're feeling and it being valid if you feel like this, to trust that it's worth listening to yourself, because you matter.

Anger doesn't need to be bad, it might need to be heard though.

If any of this resonates, if you recognise yourself in the simmering, the replaying, the resentment that doesn't have a name, you're welcome to reach out. This is what counselling can explore. You can find out more about starting counselling with me here.

I'm Rhian, a BACP-registered counsellor, offering in-person sessions in Marlow, Buckinghamshire, and online across the UK.

Frequently asked questions about unexplained anger

Why do I feel angry for no reason?

When anger feels like it comes from nowhere, it's often a sign that it's been building up for a long time. Unexplained anger is rarely without any source. More often, the source hasn't been named yet. It can build through over-giving, suppressing your own needs, or absorbing others' emotions without space to process your own.

How do I know if I'm experiencing hidden anger?

How people experience hidden anger will differ and can be unique based on individual circumstances. However, some of the signs can be irritability, snapping at people you love and not knowing why, tension in your body, a feeling of resentment, or a flat, disconnected or low feeling.

Is it ok to feel angry?

Yes, anger is a normal and is usually a healthy emotion that can be a signal pointing towards something that matters, or what's been crossed or doesn't feel right to you. It might not always be about expressing anger in every situation, but more about recognising it and understanding what it's telling you, rather than suppressing it until it finds it's own way out.

Can counselling help with unexplained anger?

Yes, counselling can offer a space to explore what's underneath, where the feeling might be coming from, what it's pointing to and what it might mean for you to be able to listen to it. It can be about building an honest relationship with what you're actually feeling, rather than ignoring or suppressing anger, until it comes out in ways that perhaps aren't serving you.