Why won't my mind switch off and why am I overthinking?
It's 11pm and you keep telling yourself you should be asleep. But instead, you're replaying the thing you said to someone earlier, the meeting this morning, mentally drafting an email and replying to all the unread messages in your phone that just don't seem to stop. It feels like a constant noisy party going on in your mind, but not the fun kind...You tell yourself to stop overthinking and to just get to sleep, but it's like trying to stop the tide coming in.
I feel like this is the part of the day that no one sees. The one that happens when everything else seems to go quiet and there's nothing else to keep running with, yet the mind just keeps racing ahead.
If this is most nights for you, I see you.
What Is Overthinking?
I think overthinking can get brushed past as something smaller from those who don't experience it, because it might seem so easy to just 'stop' overthinking. However, I think this is far from the truth. I want to acknowledge that the reality of overthinking is exhausting and crippling. And I appreciate how much it can impact your everyday life if you are experiencing this. As a well-recovering overthinker myself, it can feel like having an overly cautious side-kick constantly there, reminding you what you haven't done, what there's still left to do and generally just doing anything to think through a plan A, B, C, D and E, you know...just in case. Eurgh.
At it's core, overthinking is the mind doing what it believes it needs to do to keep things safe. Running all the possible outcomes, reminding you of everything you need to do and checking if anything is going to go awry. It might also be replaying situations to check for the thirtieth time, that you've not done something wrong. I often find in my experience as a counsellor, that this tends to feel louder for some, particularly at night. It's like your mind is about to start a night shift, when it's already been working all day.
Why am I overthinking?
There are a few patterns and themes I see in counselling, when someone is struggling with the exhaustion and frustration of not being able to slow down overthinking or worrying constantly.
One is about a nervous system that learnt to stay on high alert. Anticipating the next thing and never quite convinced that things are safe or stable enough to settle down. Overthinking can be a sign that our nervous systems are in overdrive. Our bodies have a way of letting us know, particularly if there's tension held at the same time as the thoughts are racing.
Another, can be a pattern of not just thinking about everything, but also running a life at full capacity. If you're someone who always manages everything, thinks of everyone else before yourself or whom is so practised at just pushing through, it can be incredibly hard to transition the mind and our thoughts into slowing down and rest, even when external demands have slowed down. It can feel like the off switch hasn't been used for so long, it's like it doesn't exist anymore and it's a struggle to find it.
And thirdly, there's so often a critical inner voice beneath this too. A voice that shows up and runs the end of day review. Pointing and shouting at what could have been better, what wasn't good enough, how stupid you looked and all the likely things people thought of you because of it.
What overthinking might really be about
This might sound strange, but something worth noticing here is the racing thoughts and overthinking are almost never really about the very thing they seem to be shouting about. The email you sent, the thing you missed, the worrying about what people think of you, they might feel urgent and specific when they arise and are seemingly the things that keep the mind going when you want to rest and settle. And that can be true on the surface...
However, it can usually be about a hidden belief or fear running underneath. It's likely that your mind is trying to catch everything so nothing slips, primarily out of safety and protection. And although it may not feel helpful now, it might have been essential at some point and a way of coping that seemed helpful at some stage. So although I can absolutely appreciate it doesn't feel helpful now, overthinking can be a way of wanting to keep a sense of control and safety.
Why 'just stop overthinking' doesn't work...
If you could simply decide to stop overthinking, I am sure you would have done it by now. Believe me, I would have. And I want to appreciate that the fact that you haven't been able to stop overthinking, is not a failure or that you're doing something wrong. I have to remind myself more often than I'd like to admit that the mind doesn't respond to demands, it responds to being heard and understood.
What I've found often helps, is not forcing the thoughts away, or putting myself down because I am not able to stop overthinking, it's about getting curious about what overthinking is possibly trying to protect me from, and really sitting in the feelings and sensations around overthinking when it inevitably arises. This may sound cheesy, but I put my hand on my heart and say, 'tell me everything, I'm listening' and let the thoughts and feelings, flow. It can feel overwhelming when the thoughts do arise and rather than trying to fix or resist, just letting them come can really allow the thoughts and feelings to pass through.
What can change...
Personally, I wouldn't be being honest if I said overthinking just goes away and you can be someone who never overthinks. Because, I don't think it's helpful or realistic to suggest this. I believe what can shift in time (and certainly what I've found for me), is the relationship with overthinking tends to change.
Since becoming a counsellor and spending time in my own personal therapy over the years, I have noticed I have stopped pushing overthinking away and understood more about what it's trying to do and what it's trying to serve. I can appreciate what it's responding to when the overthinking shows up and instead of getting swept up unknowingly, I am more aware of what it's trying to protect and keep me safe from. For me, it's making sure nothing goes wrong, because a long time ago, getting things seemingly wrong, didn't feel safe.
Counselling can be a really supportive space if you're someone who finds they overthink and can't seem to switch their mind off. It can help to explore how this feels with someone who won't judge anything that comes up and really supports you in validating your feelings of how exhausting, debilitating and tough overthinking can be to experience. If this is something you're struggling with, I hear you.
I'm Rhian, a BACP registered counsellor and I offer counselling online across the UK and in-person in Marlow. You can find out more about starting counselling with me here.
Frequently Asked Questions about Overthinking
Why can't I stop overthinking?
Overthinking is something you can't simply decide to stop doing. It can be a pattern developed, usually in response to anxiety, a need to feel safe, to feel in control or if you've found that you're often the responsible one, who just keeps everything going for everyone else. It can persist because on some level, your mind genuinely believes it's keeping you safe. Understanding what overthinking is trying to protect you from and how it might be serving you with care and compassion, can be one of the first steps to easing overthinking.
Why do I overthink most at night?
Nighttime can be where many external demands tend to slow down in the outside world. Which can mean that the internal ones get louder. Without more tasks and responsibilities that the day brings, for the mind to focus on, it might do what it's learnt to do. Which can be process more, review, plan, prepare, worry, think of different outcomes and if there's still a bit more space, tell you all the things you've done wrong...For people who have learnt to stay on high alert, the absence of distraction doesn't tend to bring rest. It brings more thinking.
Is overthinking a sign of anxiety?
It can be yes. Overthinking and anxiety can be closely connected. The replaying, the anticipating and a mind that won't settle, is frequently how anxiety can show up. It might not always look like panic or distress, it can look like an incredibly busy brain that can't find the pause button or the off-switch for a moment to rest.
How do I stop overthinking at night?
Rather than trying to push away the thoughts or force them to stop (which can usually make them louder), it can support to be curious about what the thoughts are actually responding to. What is your mind trying to control or prevent and sitting with this without judging what comes up. These are questions that can be worth exploring in a space like counselling, where there is the right support and calmness to sit with overthinking before the 3am visit.
Can counselling help with overthinking?
Yes, counselling offers the space to understand the patterns underneath the overthinking. Perhaps where they come from, what they're trying to protect and keep safe and what a different relationship with your mind might look like.
