What is People Pleasing and Why is it So Hard to Stop?

What is people pleasing?

People pleasing can often be described as putting the needs of others' before your own, even when it is of detriment to yourself. But that can feel like it discounts the heaviness of how this actually feels when you are tired of people pleasing but don't know how to stop it.

Because for many, people pleasing doesn't feel like a choice. It feels like it's an automatic response that you've done before you've even realised you've done it. Sometimes, it can even feel necessary.

People pleasing can look like:

• Saying yes, when you really mean no

• Avoiding conflict or difficult conversations for the fear of how people may respond or not being accepted or liked by others

• Overthinking how you're coming across to others

• Taking responsibility for how other people feel

• Feeling guilty when you prioritise yourself

And on the outside, it can look like kindness, reliability or simply being nice and agreeable to others. But inside, it can feel quite different.

Why is people pleasing misunderstood?

People pleasing can often be misunderstood as simply being nice or overly agreeable. But it often runs deeper than this. For many, people pleasing is a way of staying safe in relationships. A way of maintaining connection or avoiding rejection, disappointment or conflict. People pleasing isn't a flaw in your personality. It's something that made sense at some point in your life to do.

Where does people pleasing come from?

The reality of people pleasing is that there isn't one single reason or 'cause' of where it comes from. It's as unique as your own experiences and if you are a people pleaser, its experienced and comes out in different ways. However, there are some optimum environments where the root of people pleasing tends to flourish. These can be where:

• Love and approval felt conditional, i.e. there were conditions attached to feeling loved or accepted.

• You became attuned to other's needs early on

• Keeping the peace felt important or safe

• Your own needs weren't always recognised or met

Over time, with these environments you may have learned, 'If I adapt, things stay ok or safer', or 'if I don't upset anyone, I'll still be accepted.'

And these themes or patterns can become ingrained over time. This isn't because you're weak or broken. It's because you're human and being human means we adapt to what we need to adapt to in our lives and this may have been what worked for you early on in life. So you carry it in your present.

Why is it so hard to stop people pleasing?

This can often be the part people feel most frustrated by. The 'why does it have to be so hard to just stop people pleasing' part. I appreciate its so incredibly hard. You might know you're doing it or recognise this is happening for you. You might even tell yourself to stop it or try to push it away. But in the moment, something else takes over. This is because people pleasing isn't simply a habit to stop or ban.

People pleasing is often tied to:

• The fear of conflict or rejection

• A strong sense of responsibility for others

• Anxiety or fear of being misunderstood

• A deeply rooted need to feel accepted

So naturally, when you try to stop or change it, it can feel uncomfortable, unfamiliar and even unsafe.

This doesn't necessarily mean it is definitely unsafe, but your nervous system has learned otherwise.

What does people pleasing feel like internally?

I feel like this is the part that often isn't talked about enough. People pleasing can often feel like:

• A constant scanning of other people's reactions

• Replaying conversations after they've happened like they're on a loop in your mind

• Feeling responsible to constantly keeping things 'smooth' or 'calm'

• Resentment that's hard to express or feel

• Losing sight of what you actually want

You might be the person that others rely on so much. And deep down, this can feel exhausting to always be the one holding everything together for everyone else.

Can you stop being a people pleaser?

People pleasing is rarely about suddenly stopping. Because if it's been a part of you for so long, how can we expect this to change overnight? Instead, this can often be about noticing firstly where this shows up in your life with the kindness and patience you would offer a close friend or family member.

For example, noticing:

• In what situations do you override your own needs

• What you're feeling in those moments

• What feels difficult about doing things differently

And changes can start small and feel like gradual shifts:

• Pausing before saying yes or if you're not able pause yet, simply noticing that you said yes when you wanted to say no

• Allowing yourself to potentially disappoint someone (in manageable ways)

• Being curious about your reactions rather than judging them

• Noticing what people's feelings bring up for you in the moment

I feel it can be less about becoming a completely different person right away or rushing to 'fix' this part of you. And more about creating more choice in how you want to respond.

How counselling can help with people pleasing

People pleasing isn’t just about the behaviour you can see. It’s more often about what’s sitting beneath it. It can feel like people pleasing is in the driving seat, taking over the direction you’re going, leaving you without much control over how to stop it. But often, people pleasing is more like a passenger that was picked up along the way. And the real driver? Is often the part of you that wants to be accepted, understood, or fears rejection. So people pleasing becomes the one holding the map, calling out directions, even if they’re not taking you where you actually want to go anymore.

So how can counselling support with this? Counselling offers space to:

• Explore where these patterns came from

• Understand what they've been trying to protect

• Being to explore and experiment with how you'd like things to look different

This is without the pressure to rush or fix things. Because, often the aim isn't to stop caring about others. But more about including yourself in that care too.

A gentle reflection

If you recognise yourself in this blog post, I appreciate it may feel lonely and isolating. And you are not alone in these thoughts. A gentle reflection from me to you is, it might not be about asking, 'how do I stop people pleasing' but instead, 'What has people pleasing being doing for me, and what might I need now?'

If you’re starting to recognise these patterns in yourself, counselling can offer a space to understand them more deeply. I offer counselling in Marlow and online across the UK, supporting people who find themselves caught in cycles of people pleasing, responsibility, and self-doubt. You can find out more about starting counselling with me here.