When your inner critic is loud and you're tired of listening to it
- Rhian Seymour
- Feb 1
- 3 min read
For many people, their inner critics can be loud harsh voices, shouting insults throughout the day. Like a horrible bully that you can't seem to get away from. And for others, it can be a quieter and maybe more familiar voice, that whispers things in the background. It sometimes might feel like it's trying to help or sound pretty reasonable.
Our inner critics might say things like;
"You should be coping better than this"
"Don't let anyone down"
"Just try harder, then you'll feel better"
And because it can sound reasonable or familiar, we can spend years listening to it, without ever questioning where it came from, or what its costing us.
It often starts as protection
I often find that the inner critic didn't start or appear out of nowhere. It usually develops for a reason. For some, it may have formed in environments where approval mattered, where mistakes felt too risky, or where being easy-going capable and emotionally contained helped things to feel safer.
Over time, that voice may have become a way of staying in control, avoiding conflict or perhaps feeling accepted.
So in a way, the inner critic can be understood by not being the enemy, but a part of you that developed and learned how to survive and keep things safer.
The problem is what once protected you, could now exhaust you. And it may feel like this is no longer working for you in a way that it used to.
How the inner critic can show up day to day
You might notice this in subtle ways like;
A constant pressure to be productive, even when you're exhausted
Difficulty resting without feeling guilt
Feeling responsible for other people's emotions
Second-guessing yourself, even when you think you've made a thoughtful decision
Achieving a lot, yet rarely feeling 'good enough'
From the outside, things may look "fine". Reliable, capable and successful. Inside though, it can feel like there's little room to breathe. And that disconnection, between how things appear and how they feel, can be deeply lonely.
Why telling yourself to be kinder doesn't always work
Many people try to manage their inner critic by pushing back against it. This might be saying things like;
"I shouldn't think like this"
"Other people have this way worse"
"I just need to be more positive"
Whilst it's understandable, this can often add another layer or pressure, another way of getting it wrong.
And the trouble is, what we often resist, persists.
The inner critic doesn't usually soften through force. It softens through curiosity and understanding.
When we become curious about why it's there - what its doing to try and protect, prevent or control - this can allow space for a shift. A relationship change.
The inner critic in counselling
In counselling, we don't aim to silence the inner critic overnight. Instead, it can be about slowing things down and looking at things with gentle curiosity.
We might gently explore:
When you first started to notice this voice
When this voice became familiar to you
How it speaks to you during different experiences and situations
What parts of you it's trying to keep you safe
Over time, this can lead to a discovery of what's beneath the inner critic. Which can often be a deeper need. This could be for safety, reassurance or acceptance. And when those needs are acknowledged, the inner critic may not need to have to work so hard.
A final reflection
If your inner critic is loud right now, this doesn't mean you're failing. It could mean that something in you is feeling overwhelmed, stretched or asking to be noticed. If this post resonates, you're welcome to get in touch and explore whether counselling feels like the right step for you.
Click here to find out more about how counselling can support.
